When I am choosing a mate, I try to be as realistic as possible. I want a mate who is funny, family oriented, good at communicating, has some college education, driven and older than me. I don’t think that my expectations are overly complicated, I believe they are simple. I do meet most of my criteria but I believe that there is always room for improvement. I am currently working on being a better communicator. Communication is something that I have struggled with for various reasons.
At times when I open up I am ridiculed for doing so; however, when I shut down I am also ridiculed. In past relationships, I believe proximity played the biggest role in selecting a mate. I tended to date either guys that I worked with or guys that I went to school with. After the first few interactions conversations they either steered me away or drew me in to that person. Overtime I would learn if I liked the person on a more personal level versus a more platonic one. The criteria for the person is still the same apart from the college experience.
Once I graduated and began my collegiate career I wanted to date a person who displayed the same desire for knowledge and growth as me. In past relationships, some of my partners felt that they were either too young or that things were moving too fast when emotions get involved. In my most recent relationship he met most of the criteria and it still failed. I do not believe my criteria needs revision but if I did make a change it would be in regards to age. I have been called shallow because prefer older men.
I just enjoy a more mature mindset although age and maturity don’t always correlate. I learned that even if someone meets criteria that it does not dictate the type of person they will be. I have had partners who are extremely aring and I have had partners who were abusive that have both met the criteria. Sexuality Knox and Schacht define sexual values as “moral guidelines for making sexual choices in non-marital, marital, heterosexual and homosexual relationships” (page249). There are three perspectives of sexual values: absolutism, relativism, and hedonism.
Absolutism is based on allegiance to tradition or religion (Knox&Schacht250). It also has a sub category asceticism that emphasizes that giving into lust is unnecessary and that you should rise above the pursuit of sensual pleasure nto a life of self-discipline and self-denial (Knox&Schacht252). Relativism emphasizes that sexual decisions should be made in the context of each relationship (Knox&Schacht253). Hedonsim is the belief that the ultimate value and motivation for human action lies in the pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain (Knox&Schacht256). I identify with two.
For the most part I am hedonistic since I believe you should always do what you want if it makes you happy. I also identify with relativists since I believe that even though you should do what makes you happy, it should not be at the expense of others. For me everything should be consensual between people/ persons of age. My most recent partner I would say identifies both with hedonism and relativism. If we tried something new and we liked it, we continued to do so because it brought us pleasure. If we tried something that wasn’t pleasurable we didn’t try it again.
We ended up almost on the same page. He was more reluctant to let me know things that he liked to do initially and vice versa. I think it came from a fear of us both not wanting to be judged, after moving out of the stage of fear sex was much more enjoyable. I do recall an ex that was willing to try everything I suggested sexually and it was amazing for the time that it lasted. Being able to express myself was liberating. One thing that may keep me from having a healthy sexual interaction could be partners who are more traditional and aren’t as open to experimenting with new things.
I prefer passionate and extremely stimulating things during sex. I enjoy all levels of sex from passionate and rough or kinky to submissive and bondage, if it brings me pleasure I am always ready to try it. My absolute number one preference is oral. Some other things I enjoy are nipple stimulation, light choking, anal, hair pulling, and sex outdoors in scenic but secluded places. If a potential partner expresses disdain for oral I do not go past platonic friendship with them. My partner enjoys feet, nipple play and light anal play.
It was and is hard conveying that to my sexual partner because he was unforthcoming initially. I do believe that it was harder for him to convey his preferences to me for fear of judgement. I also don’t believe he ever had an outlet to express those desires so he was uncomfortable disclosing those. I am ompletely comfortable in my sex and sexual preferences and I have no problem disclosing my preferences with a person who I am intimate with. I don’t think he is comfortable in his sexual preferences so he doesn’t relay them for a long period.
At times its made our intimate relationship awkward but since we have moved into full disclosure it has gotten much more pleasurable. To enhance our sex life, we can explore more toys, oils/ lubricants, different forms of stimulation or role play. Communication and Conflict Resolution I was raised by my grandparents with help from my god mother and father. My grandparents usually resolved conflict by asking open and closed ended questions. The open ended questions were usually ones that they kept from us since they were grave in nature.
The closed ended questions were typically amid an argument. They also used “you statements”. “You statements” are statements that blame or criticize the listener and often results in increasing negative feelings and behaviors in the relationship (Knox&Schacht100). My god parents, two separate individuals that are not together, both surprisingly had the same approach. They are both authentic and use “I tatements”, statements that focus on the feelings and thoughts of the communicator without making judgment on others (Knox&Schacht100).
When communicating with my siblings and I my parental figures were authentic and asked open ended questions to better understand our reasoning after we got a whooping for, obviously, embarrassing them. When I started dating and committing to serious relationships I had poorer communication skills because I did use accusatory tones, negative statements, and asked closed ended rhetorical questions. Overtime and after receiving counseling and ducation I am a more communicative person. Me and my past partner did not communicate effectively at all.
We bottled things up and exploded on one another. At the height of our miscommunication abuse was involved. I am no longer involved with him romantically but he and I are both receptive to counseling and anger management classes. Some things I can do to improve communication are listening to understand instead of respond, avoid negative statements, and convey issues that I am experiencing and their reasoning clearly. Cohabitation, Marriage, Finances, & Divorce Cohabitation & Marriage I believe it is possible to cohabitate and maintain a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, studies have shown that the longer a couple cohabitates before marriage or engagement the less likely they will be to marry. I have cohabited with one ex and the experience was amazing when we were happy and horrific when we were angry. The experience showed me that there are pros and cons to every living situation. It shed a neutral light onto cohabitation for me. I would not cohabitate with a partner again unless I am engaged to be married within a year’s time. I learned that I enjoy my space, the freedom to come and go as I lease, and the ability to maintain my peace in my own personal space.
It is not always easy doing those things when you have another person’s space to respect as well. I believe that the goal of cohabitation is marriage but the perception is often skewed. If you aren’t married you will not feel obligated to stay and you will run at the first sign of conflict. I believe marriage is a sacred thing and the coming together of two souls should be respected as such; however, in today’s society it is not. I do not plan on getting married soon because people are getting married solely or love and it is not a stable foundation.
I would prefer to build with someone and have a firm foundation prior to marriage versus marrying someone and discovering all their financial debts and inadequacies once it is too late. Finances I am an adamant about saving money and having financial independence. I believe that it is the key for everyone to be happy from a financial perspective of a relationship. My most recent ex- partner was very grandiose and materialistic with money. At one point he did have the money to cover his spending habits but that changed and his debt would be greater han his income.
This is in part because our society is entrenched in consumerism and materialism. Even after explaining to him that everyone should save money and maintain good financial habits he continued to make bad financial decisions. It affected our relationship because he would often try to borrow money and pay it back later but I was not comfortable loaning it. My refusal would always end in an argument and me being labeled selfish. I am more practical with money, he is not. I am going to continue to maintain my savings account and nitpicking spending habits because I see the long- term payout.
I will be financially stable for myself, my future husband, and future children. Overall I believe I make the best choices regarding my own finances. Break Up & Divorce My grandparents divorced later in life and I was not happy. I am still unhappy about it but conversations I have with them slightly eases the discomfort. When my grandfather remarried, out of spite, I told him that I would not ever get married. I know that it hurt him and I wanted him to feel what I felt. The whole ordeal has made me hyperaware to properly communicating within relationships and keeping up with the maintenance of a elationship.
The most difficult part of breaking up for me is losing the one person who you relied on most. Filling that void seems almost impossible because you always think that the person is irreplaceable. Some relationships have ended because of infidelity and others I have ended because I felt like we were toxic together. I have learned that you do not have to stay if you are unhappy, unsafe, or if your inner peace is disturbed. I learned to trust my instinct on life and love because it will happen if it’s meant too. Spirituality My families spiritual practice is Baptist.
I am no longer a religious person, I am spiritual. After learning about slavery and the origins of the western versions of religion I do not feel like African Americans should follow the Europeanized version of Christianity because it is oppressive and contributes to mass illiteracy of self. It leaves people relying on “white Jesus” for critical issues such as mental health, physical health, and sole support without help from their peers. It is a toxic practice to me. I would prefer a more intimate relationship with my family, ancestors, and friends so that I have more wholesome guidance.
I would practice having a greater sense of community effort within my relationship, as suggested in Some. The Dagara concept meaning the relationship is not private (Some22-23). I would continue to reconcile with my past by seeking knowledge, wisdom and understanding as advised by Dixon (Page273). Lastly, moving forward I would practice continual renewal so that myself and my relationship are always in tune with the spirit (Some 102-109). I believe that if you are in sync with your soul, your partner, and your combined spirits relationships will flourish and go further.