Why God Hates Fat People
Fat… everyone hates it and no one wants to be it. Even when stuffing a turkey you can find Martha Stewart pulling the flit from the birds innards and tossing it into the trash. Fat is such an unattractive commodity in society that we judge our prime steaks by how little fat there is,
It even tastes like it looks; Wiggly, soft, squishy, and plain old FATTY. Not even a cannibal would touch your fat behind with a ten foot poaching stick! So with that in mind is it any wonder that we as a “race” prefer our mates by how little fat he or she totes around on his frame? Was the endoskeleton meant to make you look like a blimp? No, by looking at a skeleton one can see quite clearly that God does NOT love fat people, or he would have designed, “wide girth bone structuring.” Yes there is the issue of large and small bone size, but let’s face it; If your skin looks akin to a wet biscuit or cottage cheese you aren’t big boned. You’re flit, and God does not love fat people.
Let us expand on the theory slightly. If you’re being chased by a psycho, and the only escape is through an itsy-bitsy window, you best be getting through there. Now do you think that Roseanne Barr could have squeezed her fat a*! through that slim opening and escaped? Hell no! She wouldn’t have even been able to RUN from him let alone shimmy through a mockingly slim opening of her salvation. Therefore, God would not have wanted her to live. Still need some illustration? You are among a group of people in a boat and it is sinking. You are fat while the rest are skinny. They all know that if they dump you, the fat guy, over, their chances of surviving will increase in ratio to your body fat percentage. So if they throw you overboard they cannot only save the boat but their a$!es as well and still have time to make it safely home to ponder what happened, and realize that God really does hate fat people. So what should they do? Save themselves and dump the fat guy. Besides, with any luck given the amount of fat you would probably be able to float safely to shore later, thus expelling them from any guilt.
It is clearly evident that fat people are meant to get us out of life threatening situations. If you are flit and in a life threatening situation you will die. We slim people will use you as bait when Jason is chasing us through the woods because we know damn well that while we are making fast our escape, your sweaty, bulbous self is lagging behind. Will we stop? Hell no, Jason is coming and we don’t want to die!
God made fat people so his skinny people could prosper. In His divine wisdom, since fatties were otherwise useless to him, He saw that they could be used as a means for escape when things get too hairy for us skinny people. The whole thing about God loving everyone is a lie. We say that only so you won’t get off your whale butt and lose those pounds, because if you did there would be an economical imbalance when all the sharks died from malnutrition, all the psychos died of heart strokes from having to chase us skinny people and shin splints because Jason would actually have to learn to run.
So the moral is God hates fat people. So if you would like God to love you it isn’t too late to save your soul. You see, if God had intended you to be fat forever he wouldn’t have granted you muscles so you could get the chips off your chin and do a little workout to lose that lard ~ been carting around. Though he hates flit people, God loves us slims so much that he gave you those muscles because he knows that everyone deserves a chance to be fit and to be loved by Him. Maybe the moral of the story really is that I was abused by my fat, greasy mother throughout my childhood.