the very beginning The wind caresses my hair around my face as I look down from the top of the swaying bridge over the Yuba River, ready to leap and never look back. I close my eye and feel a single hot tear slide down my goosebumped face. Everything seems to stop for just a moment, a single, beautiful moment where I feel like I can fly. Where I feel safe. Protected. But the moment always passes, and it flies away as quickly as it came. I turn to my mission and look down. The rushing river beckons to me. My final resting place. I take a deep breath. My knees bend and… “Skylar? “| hear a deep voice behind me.
Shit, the cops are probably here again. I turn, ready to sprint away like always. But the voice behind me is not an officer. The voice behind me is a boy my age, with gorgeous light brown hair and shimmering emerald eyes that crinkle on the inside, not outside, when his radiant smile lights up the room. The voice behind me is Chase Kayden. My eyes fall to the ground, ashamed that he’s seeing me like this. “H-hi Chase,” | shiver, still not looking at him. My shoulders shake with a sob and I know he sees it because he takes a gentle step towards me.
I take a step back. I feel my hands push against the frozen metal of the bridge rail. Sky, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you,” he mutters. He takes another step and this time, I don’t move away. “Why are you here? “| ask. This doesn’t make sense. It’s three in the morning on a desolate trail that barely anyone knows about. Why would he be here, looking at me with those assaulting eyes that make me feel like the earth is spinning a million miles an hour faster? | lean back on the railing. “Look, Skylar. I knew something was going on. I don’t really know you but… ” He drifts off, his voice breaking.
He takes a step towards me, making it so there are only about six inches between us. You’re more than this, Sky. You always have been. ” My eyes soften and blur his face. All can make out in the next five seconds is him sweeping me into his arms, away from the bridge I was so close to jumping from. I feel a sob rise and try to hide it, but it’s pointless. My chest shakes slightly. “It’s okay now. Let it out,” he soothes. I do. I lose it. I cry and scream and listen to his steady breaths. The screams echo in the desolate forest. His heartbeat pounds in my ear. My waterfall of salty tears turns to a light trickle, and I finally look him in the eye.
I see his cheeks are wet as well. I almost ask what’s wrong, but he gives me the slightest shake of his head. “Would you like to go for breakfast? ” He whispers. My silence answers the question. He sweeps me over his shoulder and carries me to his car, the ground bobbing and my head whirling ch1 I’m gently placed into the passenger seat of a black Subaru Outback. My seatbelt is put on for me, and I feel like a little kid again, in the simple days where I didn’t feel this way and things were done for me. I long for those days to come back. I long to play and color all day long again.
Chase climbs into the driver’s seat and starts the car, but doesn’t take off the parking brake. “Look at me. ” He says, his voice shaking ever so slightly. I turn my eyes to him, feeling vulnerable. I watch as he looks me over. I feel like he’s trying to decide what to do with me; keep me or throw me out into the world. He clearly makes a decision. “Roll up your sleeves, Skylar. ” “I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say, my cheeks reddening at the thought. “I need to know,” he asserts. I sigh. I train my eyes to my shaking hands pushing up the sweatshirt sleeve to reveal my scratched arm.
I cringe a bit likel do every time I see these marks. They make me feel weak. Alone. Like I can’t handle anything. I hate myself for it. He picks up my arm and I try to yank it away. He doesn’t budge. “Relax please,” he says, a bit pushier this time. I decide that it’s useless- he already knows so much already. I loosen my body, trying to turn my arm into a noodle. But I can’t help but feel his soft but calloused hands, twitching slightly as he scans my arm. His other hand lifts and he gently runs his pointer finger along one of the newer marks. I try to hide my breath in as I feel the small movement. He looks up. When? ” “Last night. Around 11.
Before I started my trip to the bridge,” I reply. He nods, and I can almost feel the hurt radiating off of him. He picks his finger up from my arm, and I miss the warm, sure presence of it. He sighs and for the first time in my life, I see the weaker side of Chase. Even with the tears and shame in his eyes, even with the fine wrinkle on his forehead, he is beautiful, in every single way. Chase and I met last year. We never really talked, but we exchanged some glances. I think we both knew something was up, but none of us dared to say a word in the shark tank that was high school.
It would end in a bloodbath, which does nothing but attract more sharks. I didn’t know I was reaching out until I had his arm in my hands. I locked eyes and rolled up his sleeve. Scratches and scars lined the entirety of the inside of his wrists. I felt a pool of tears welling in my eyes. “Oh, Chase. I had no idea… ” I trailed off. “I know. That’s the thing. I don’t want many people to know. ” He looked away from his arm to look at me. “I don’t know how | knew. I just knew. I just felt like I needed to come and I… ” “Hey. It’s okay. I’m glad you came,” I stutter out, meaning every word.
He looks at me funny. I’ve tried to kill myself 10 times in the past year and a half. Clearly, each time failed. But tonight felt different. I had the will to try again after he found me. Tonight was the first time I felt. I just felt. “Skylar. ” The way he whispers my name makes me feel like I jumped into freezing water. It brings chills all over my body, and my cheeks feel hot and red. Is this what being alive feels like? “Skylar,” he says again. Damn. ‘Why? Why did you come here of all places? Why tonight? Why in general? ” he looks at me with a look of caring. He wants to know. But does he really?
I’m difficult. I’m high maintenance and I have a lot of problems. He doesn’t want to get involved. Does he? He clearly sees the wheels turning in my head. He lets out a small laugh and says, ‘What’s going on in that pretty little mind? ” That’s enough to make me talk. “I came here because I spend a million moments of my childhood here. It reminds me of simple times, where I felt okay, where I felt like I had a future,” I start. “I wanted my last moments to be happy, free. ” “I don’t believe that I should be here. I don’t think I’m worth while. I don’t… ” my voice trails off.
“Why? ” he asks. Why? It’s a simple question, but it has me thinking. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel the need to pop pills and leap from bridges into frigid water? Why am I spilling my heart to a boy with beautiful eyes that I barely know? “I don’t know,”|| whisper. “Well, you will. Let’s go,” he speaks. He sounds confident. Safe. But I’m still hesitant to go anywhere with Chase. “How do you know? ” | ask. “Do you trust me, Skylar? ” he smiles. I do. ch2 The quiet squeak of the window rolling down calms my nerves a bit. I feel the calm morning air in my lungs. I love it. It has a kind of burn to it, the kind that I crave.
