I am a twenty something male. most whom live in this town have no idea that i exist or am aware that i am even here. I have lived here for little less than four years. my name is tanner l. beltran. that is as far as i know of who i am. a label a person gave to me upon birth. a struggle of finding myself, knowing my identity as a person and my place in this life, are completely unkown to me. day to day i seek for this answer, finding it nill. to be quite frank, i have not graduated high school.
I attempted going back to finish my ”much needed to survive this candy-land extistence” education which was quite minimal in gaining for i had only 3 credits needed to obtain a peice of glorified paper that states i completed requirements to become proficient in facing the real world. Without any idea of who you are and what you are supposed to do in life, it may seem coping with this so called ‘reality’ is harsh. For me it is. struggling for identity and self acceptance from others, facing inner compications that only add to my horror that i may never figure out my own life. quote Grace Hansen ”Dont be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin. ” this is something that i am deathly afraid of; afraid i will i fail the one person who cherishes who i am to her.
But in all I feel I am failing my self. And that takes away all my hope to ever succeed. You see the prominent people never believed in me or had faith in my abilities. At least not the ones that should have. They faltered in early judgement of me at quite an early age. I feel it has been that inflicted inhibition that makes me fear failure more than being alive. at judgement makes finding myself brutally agonizing.
In additon to this loss of mistaken identity of who I think I am, finding what I am supposed to do in my existent as a person of this nation falling to all hell, I need a piece of paper that states I meet requisetes to pursue any given career. Why do I need that piece of paper? What is its nominal meaning? What does it represent? And why does any one need it to get a job? Does it signify intelliegence that you are capable of performing a job? Does it qualify you further oppurtinities? What if you were without this demanding peice of paper?
What should that equal? Your incapable of learning how to operate machinery? Unable to think properly to write a complex directive to corporations that direct foriegn policies on various fields to equalize economical struggles? If that piece of paper suggests i can do about anything, say, study and make quite significant changes in stem cell research, if it suggests that i can become the next leading scientist to discover the cure for aids or all types of cancer or mental illness that affect regions of temporal lobes in patients, why? Why does that paper signify so much?
Many outstanding scientists, authors, artists, performers of all kinds do what they do from the heart and the will to succeed. Why cant i? This redundance in which I stare at every waking moment, lessens more of who I think I am, my identity. This non existent ink stained paper representing my intelligence to face the real world, has prepared millions to either succeed and others to fail and still not who they are as people. many of them were shocked to see the world as it is today, many stayed in their box and peered through a peephole I call religion.
From all I have lived through as a person, my life experience is far greater than any book smarts, which I must say my book smarts are at a quite intelligent level. overall my IQ from everyting i know in my 21 years of being, is an astonishing 146. The average americans I. Q. ranges from 115 to ! 20. Many of you reading this might be asking yourself ”Why didnt this intelligent boy graduate form high school? ” My answer is this- I simply got bored over the years of learning things someone mandated me to learn, I wanted to learn what I wanted to, what was aesthetically appealing to me. Over the years i have done just that.
I have studied various subjects that deal with todays society from the human genome project/stem cell research, pyschology of all natures (abnormal, child, et cetera), to various political subjects and various real world subjects. Nothing is holding my mind to further increase knowledge. In anything I find intersting I pursue it so deeply, delving into a subject until i exhaust all there is to know. Nothing but this trivial peice of paper that merely says to me ”This person sat through 13 years studying things, that in the realistic views of today dont hold a credible meaning to those courses of mandatory study. Most of them dont really matter in todays world.
The basics are self evident for society. But anything else negates the fact the world is full of despair, mistaken identities, people who dont know who they are,where they stand in this rat race for social competentency in the workforce. Why does it mean so much? If a person is fully capable to perform a job, why not let them? If they have the heart and potential and will to do it, then fuel the passion for something they love and want to pursue. Why does this insigniicant petty paper mean so much to employers?
What does it say to them? Does it prove that person has identity as to who they are? What they are capable of? Even though i have no idea who i am as a person yet, not graduated to get my petty peice of ink stained “your ready to face to ‘real world’ now paper… ”. My goal in life is to at least become a writer of some sort even if its free-lance work. My prolific ability to write is amazing, so why should a piece of paper limit me to droll blue-collar jobs? Why cant I pursue what I love so much? Can any one tell me why that peice of paper should hold me credible?