Frightening rapid explosion of loud bursting shots, brass shell casings hitting the floor one after another. Car windows busting out, glass flying everywhere. Metal fragments piercing holes all through the parked vehicles. Terrified citizens flinching their hands, curling up as they run away from the outrageous gun slinging of two individuals. Having no mercy of shooting on the street corner during broad day light, was just another ordinary day of altercations. Unknowingly going downhill, doing everything from carrying pistols, corrupt racketeering to becoming addicted to fast money.
My main problem was not feeling death. Partying as well as loving the luscious accompany with women, was my lust, till I saw I hit the floor. Self-awareness Today most kids are not really thinking that far into their future. Too busy worried about their self-image on others mind set. Much like myself I started life young, coming from the bottom. Tired of living bad eating sandwiches for dinner. Trying to live up to the image my mother wanted me to be but told her I got to get paid. Started selling drugs at fourteen, dodging laws and stacking currency.
Not caring about life because in my state of mind, I was not giving much interest of tomorrow. I see it like it’s not promised to me, lived everyday like it’s my last. Scheming around the city getting into all kinds of trouble, running guns, smoking high-end, and sipping codeine feeling my body numb. I personally wanted what the older high school kids had, that I tagged along with. The nicer high end shoes, new clothes every day, the gold chains and diamond rings bigger than most women’s wedding rings. Bought a 78’ Monte Carlo at seventeen. Becoming a father at the age of eighteen, my son was born.
I felt the need to always provide him with what he needed without a worry in sight, for money not being a problem. He was born prematurely and was in an incubator for several months. Staying with him every day help me realize how life is so precious. He was finally able to go home when he reached a healthy enough weight. Only on that day he was gone, his mother took him home and at that time we were not together. Devastated, thinking I would never see him again, and leaving in frustration. Meanwhile struggling to be part of my sons,’ life his mother did not even want him to know who I was.
Her and her parents managed to keep him away for about a year and a half until I put myself on child support to get my rights as a father to be a part of his life. Investigating of various methods to educate myself for my rights as a father. To see him was leading to a dead end. Nobody wanted to help, hiring a civil lawyer was not much help just screwing my pocket. Fighting to see my son and still fighting today is stressful. Especially when all I know is crooks and thugs, so I continue to be around contraband. Learning that my pass follows me in every way. Unfortunately things seemed to continue to unravel.
Trouble shadowed behind me a few times. Life is what you make it to be, either wait for it to come to you not knowing you’re the lazy fool that’s not going to be anything. Or go out and get it by any means. Life was flying by me and I was in the same situation, in and out of small trouble. With distributing paying off I started partying to help with the depression Now, turning twenty I decided to party with the spring breakers in Galveston, Texas where I met my now wife. We decide to have our daughter in 2008. Then again when I was twenty-one, I welcomed a beautiful little girl.
It’s sad to say that, I was still blinded and thinking about how much I made today. Slowly getting sucked back into the streets of hustling. Praying to keep me safe to not catch a case. With so many ways to go wrong, it only took a few months for my path to stray in the wrong direction. The streets have a grip on my soul, the more I fight to escape the more I get pulled in deeper. Trying to better my life, felt so far away even if I reach out for help it was inevitable. The streets are a part of me no matter how I phrase it. I am not proud of many things in my past but I cannot erase what is already done.
Every day I try to not get pulled back out but the calls just will not stop. All these calls inviting me to go down the wrong path, I answer. Back at it again, out through the night all over town, with no thought about what if. What if I get caught or set up? Gripping the pistol with the right while left on the steering wheel. What if? Wife worried every day if I will make it home tonight. Trying to having locus of control of what I thought I was good at. Now my family phone rings, the wife is calling me home. I do not answer not sure of what to say, not knowing when I will get home.
As I talk on the other phone, I stay where the money is. Not caring if it’s four in the morning already. This terrified conscious is eating at me, the flash backs of horrific nights and realistic nightmares of the images I cannot stop from interrupting my thoughts. For a second I started to be reckless, but I try to forget by sipping down a cup, it’s just a stress management. So I lite another one to ease the pain. Taking a deep breathe, shaking my head. I am on to the next task at hand, and my life needs a change. Sorry to say it’s not an excuse but Bad habits do exist.
Years later I found myself in front of the judge pleading not guilty to two more cases once again with my attorney Joe Roach. Chest cocky up high, lawyer promised again I was getting a dismissal. Roach was a dwarf but great and well respected, who has passed away. Not realizing that I almost lost my freedom. I continue to live my life after beating three narcotic cases. I thought I was done with that life, but I was wrong. A few years after working and staying out of trouble, I was pulled back in to the system life. By definition a”Drug Dealer” is motivated by the profits they make and will say anything to get you to buy their product.
For “cocaine will continue the party” and that “heroin is a warm blanket. ” I like to think this is not completely true since everyone is different not all “drug dealers” are the same. It is possible a “drug dealer” could be any body. Your neighbor, student, or even worst your own baby. Develop my self-responsibility It’s hard to change now sitting in my little itty bitty cell thinking about my family, knowing they are thinking of me too. Hated the feeling of not being able to just go home with them, I had to sit out my time. It was the longest period in my life that seemed to have no end.
Myself, I decided not to be that ignorant mind and get up to do something for my children’s future. ” I’ve already screwed up a quarter of mine”. All I could think of all day is the people I let down like my world which is baby girl, “damn, it sucks I could not even comfort her behind locked doors and of course my baby boy too”. There’s no other worse feeling seeing your children crying because you’re not there to protect and to comfort them. What hurts the most is when your baby girl is screaming daddy. Just wanting to spend all day together like we used to hang out through the night till morning.
Just wanting to hold me a little longer, Kicking throwing a fit because time is up on visitation. Having to put back on the chains like a murder somebody. Walking back to the cell with a knot in your throat. Only four years old, so she doesn’t understand. Why I’m not going to be there to tuck her in and comfort her on tough situations. The wife, momma and sister stressing, holding back the emotional break down, leaving not wanting for me to see the tears pour. Even with the weekly visits, the stress of not able to be a father from prison is killing me.
Then it hit me, I just need to develop self-responsibility and get my GED. if I can complete my GED I can do better when I get out. Finally going to class in state jail. It’s not easy, so when it came to the test I was the most nervous I have ever been in my life. I passed! It only took a few months of studying. Smiling in a wonderful excitement of accomplishment. It was not easy, but I passed. Now I can lead a better future for my family, what an accomplishment feeling. Never felt it before! “Feels good”. Now I have to think and research what can I do, or what career to take on next. Sometimes it takes the ones you love the most be taken away from you to wake up. ”
Before I had children, I did not think twice. Now I’m coming out with a different set of mind. Time brings change and change comes with working in the refineries, enjoying being legit in life. It feels good to sleep at night not watching the surveillance TV. Not worrying about SWAT coming. So life was not as bad as it seemed, I pick up my son often but not often enough. His mother still as difficult as before. Does anything in her power to ruin plans I have with my son. Seeing how I did not get the chance to be with my son.
I decide I was not going to miss out on my daughters’ child hood. Soon I became the American working dad, my past in the streets still haunts me. If turn back to the streets for some quick cash, the consequences are greater than I could anticipate. Explore career option and choices Woke up one morning, asked Yahweh to forgive me for being lost. When I realized this isn’t all I want out of life. Let alone the reason I chose to go to college in hopes to achieve a higher education. To teach them to never give up no matter what the situation at hand is. Life is all about what you make it.
Everyone always told me, but now I truly see what they mean. Determined I am hopeful for the years to come when I can apply the skills I am to learn. My wife has been working her way through an associate’s degree. She keeps asking when I am going to go back to school. She assumes it will help keep me out of trouble. Thinking about what she said, I decide to go online to check what San Jacinto College has to offer. Researching all the crafts that I evaluated, taking it one day at a time while working in the plants. Decided to look into how I could increase my knowledge without wasting my time, day after day.
I wanted to get in and out of school to get in a field that I was familiar with. Everybody these days wants to be a welder not for the purpose of enjoying what they do, but to get paid at least six figures. Not for me, I tried to weld with the opportunities of friends at work, except I was not satisfied with being smothered by a fire blanket. I always wanted to be in a high position to show all the people that told me, “I was never going to be shit”. I always told myself I will be my own boss. My goal setting is to make legit fast cash to start up a couple of different businesses.
San Jacinto College offers a certification that will allow me to do just what I want. Now I can receive a certification in the field where people hear to drop their jaw and raised their eyebrows, like they’ve messed up in a career choice. Discovered the NDT degree program that allows you to complete and receive certifications of classroom training. As I go along achieving as many certifications as I can, I plan to move towards certified welder inspector (CWI). Develop awareness of campus resources Since I have enrolled and begun the spring semester of 2016 I have already received two certificates.
As well as beginning school I have begun a new part in my life. This will completely change my future, as well as the future I plan to have with my family. Without San Jacinto College being there to help me in taking these steps to become a San Jacinto certified student. I would not have enrolled at all. The determination I have within myself will not allow me to fail. As different rough obstacles come in front of me every day. When I set my mind to something I accomplish it. Finally I am proud to be making better grades now than when I was in elementary school. Thank you Mr. Collins for the patience you have gave me in class.
