Badge Requirements: At least two of the three Pre-writing challenges.
One critique and your final greenlighted submission.
Lead at least one Between the Lines (BTL) discussion of a Mentor Text for every three Genre or Three Draft Badge, including the Mentor Text you critiqued, your critique of that text and the Socratic questions and launch you used in your discussion. (You may also add a video of the session captured by the studio video system.) Each BTL must have at least four other participants and receive a rating of 7.5 of higher. I did not do this.
For each Genre or Three Draft Badge you submit without a BTL, provide a minimum 300 word Six Traits Critique of a Mentor Text. I did do this.
Pre Writing Challenges: 1# Resolution: He is tested for mental illnesses the test shows that he does not have any mental illnesses. The police embarrassed let him out of the insane asylum. He lives a normal life. Falling Action He is captured after he claims he is not insane. He is put in a insane asylum. But, realizes that the insane asylum is not meant to help him. It is for quarantine and torture. He is tortured there for months. Climax
He is betrayed by one of his friends and the police try to put him in an insane asylum. Rising Action On the day of his trial he escapes from court and starts to run away Inciting Action He is arrested for trying to kill someone random after they looked at him. He claims that the man attacked him. The police believe that he is insane.
2# My story will be in 3rd person limited because it will be the best way to view my characters thoughts because he is insane.
Everyone agreed that my story should be in the present tense.
The feedback I got from Akshay was that my story should be in 3rd person limited.
The feedback I got from Jaiden was that my story should be in 3rd person limited.
The feedback I got from Josephine was that my story should be in first person.
The feedback I got from Sam was that my story should be in first person.
Critique From Andrew:
5. Active verbs in more than 70 % of sentences 3. Few Expletives (There is, are, was or were and It is, was) 1. Specific nouns instead of indefinite pronouns like: one, people, some, others, thing and it. 4. Specific adjective and adverbs are used sparingly
2. Figurative language and literary devices enhance the style of the piece
Active Verbs:
You used the perfect amount of verbs. They were set in the right place, and they were very strong. I liked in the end how the verbs were coming in a quick stream. There was fighting and yelling then suddenly punching, and the whole scene broke up. I liked that because it was like you were in a real prison break and everything was in chaos.
I also liked in the beginning, you used very descriptive verbs like limping and ruffled. Although that was good, also in the beginning you had two sentences in a row when it said “Branson, enraged”, try to change that. I also loved the part when the police were chasing you character. The amount of verbs you injected into those sentences made them more descriptive than if you hadn’t put any in. Again, it made it seem like you were the one running, which is a very powerful thing in writing.
Specific Adjectives and Adverbs:
You used these pretty sparingly. For me, this is the hardest thing. I love describing things in detail, but for this, I can not do that. It looks like you can though! You do not go into super detail when you put your descriptive words in, but where they are, Your adjectives and adverbs are strong and descriptive.
I really enjoyed your descriptive words in the first page. They really showed the scene. How he got chased down and caught. I also liked the end and the fight, but you could have described the main character’s death a lot more, to make it seem more dramatic and scary.
Few Expletives:
You do have few expletives, but something has to be three! I can’t have two fives! I do not have a lot to talk about these, just that you did not use too many, but you did use enough to support the other words. Especially in the beginning sentences you did not use too many expletives.
This does need some work. In some places it felt like you were telling, not showing. You did not add what was kind of going through the character’s mind. Or you don’t even have to put that. You could just tell what he thought about it all, something like: “Branson felt no regret or guilt as he stepped over his bleeding victim.” That is just an idea though. You do not have to use it.
Specific Nouns:
I think you should definitely try to put more specific nouns. I noticed in the story that you were repeating a lot of the words, like guard and prisoner. Instead of guard you could do sentry, or warden or something else along those lines. Instead of prisoner you could say convict or captive. Try looking up synonyms of some commonly used nouns to replace them.
If you correct the mistakes that I have suggested, and run your piece through a grammar checker, it will be great. Awesome job!
(P.S): Look over your story for places to put commas and periods. I noticed you were missing some here and there. 🙂 Andrew Verb tense is consistent 4 My sentences mostly begin with different words. 3 I use both simple and complex sentences of varying lengths. 4 Prepositional phrases enhance meaning and rhythm, but are not overused 3 Dialog sounds realistic 4 Verb tense: your verb tense Was consistent. Sentences mostly beginning with different words. I think you did good on this one but you can still improve some of the sentences still start with the same word. Simple and complex sentences: you also did good one this on but most of the sentences are complex. Realistic. I thought your story was really realistic and you knew a lot about it. 6 Traits
Ideas 4
Organization 3
Voice 3
Word Choice 4 Sentence Fluency 4
Conventions 3: you could work on your grammar a little more.
Final Draft: Branson walked across the street, knife in hand. His coat ruffled in the wind as he went into the alleyway. He looked around for the man in the darkness, but could not find him. Minutes passed and the man was still not there. Branson looked down at his watch. It was 12:56 PM “He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago,” he said to himself. Then just as Branson looked up, he saw him. It was him. A man dressed in a black suit and a red tie walked up to him.
He handed him a bag full of pills and then started to walk away. Branson enraged started yelling at the man “I PAID FOR 50 NOT 25 GIVE ME 25!” The man kept on walking. Branson crazily leaped forward and stabbed the man in the back. The knife plunged into him and he fell to the ground. Branson immediately started running. He knew that the police would be here any minute now. He heard sirens behind him he knew there was no escape. The police jumped out of their cars and started chasing him down the moonlit street. He was hit in the back by something hard.
Then he passed out. He woke up hearing his name being yelled in his face “Branson Addison, Branson Addison, Branson Addison, do you hear me!” Branson said “Yes I do.” sleepily. “Ok good, my name is Bud Lachlan I am the warden here,” said the man. “Where am I?” Branson said shocked. “This is the Theodor Insane Asylum. You were arrested for the attempted 2nd-degree murder. But, found not guilty by reason of insanity so you were sent here” said Bud. Branson was shocked, but before he could say anything two escorts carried him away into his dark prison cell. He was kept in there for 12 hours. It was a miserable place it was dark, damp, and had a disgusting odor of human waste. Finally, he was released from his cell sick and tired. Then came the torturing. He screamed in pain as he was tortured for hours.
The first thing that came to Branson’s mind after being tortured was the word “Escape”. He wanted to leave this horrible place. He wanted to be free. His silence was interrupted by the voices of a sentry and a convict fighting. “I said get in the room!” shouted the sentry “No!” yelled the convict. Before the sentry could do or say anything he was punched by the convict. Suddenly the sentry was beaten to death by an angry mob of convicts. A nearby lookout set off the alarm. Almost instantly soldiers brandishing riot shields and batons swarmed the area. Branson knew what to do this was his chance to escape. He ran it into the main hallway. He knew that if he was in his bright orange prison clothes he would easily be noticed. He saw a custodian walking by.
He grabbed the custodian, broke his neck, and put on his clothes. He used the keys to open the door and he walked outside. But, before he could walk the last 50 feet out of the prison, he heard the sound of automatic weapons being fired behind him. A horde of soldiers were chasing him trying to stop him from escaping. A lookout in the sniper tower pressed the lockdown button. Instantly all the doors inside the prison closed. The giant 30-ton steel door started to close. A swarm of bullets whizzed past as Branson leaped through the door just before it closed. He was finally free.
Mentor Text Critique Flash Fiction Genre Badge: Shooting an Elephant by George Orwell The Six Traits
What do you like best? What needs the most work?
Trait #1: Idea Development 5 selecting a unique topic to write about: You definitely selected an interesting topic you talked about being in a village in Burma and having to shoot a rogue elephant 4 writing with a clear, central big idea or theme in mind Your theme was pretty clear that you were trying to give the perspective of an outsider in a remote village. 4 using a unique approach/technique to explore a topic You did a somewhat unique approach in your writing. 5 using a thoughtful balance of showing and telling skills: You did a great job of using a balance of showing and telling skills you really painted a picture in my mind. 5 choosing interesting, high-quality details You definitely chose a lot of interesting high-quality details in your piece. 5 using action words to enhance descriptions You used a lot of action words that got my attention and spiced up the story.
Trait #2: Organization 5 crafting a title that makes you want to read and it accurately describes the piece Your title was very interesting and got me hooked from the beginning. 4 beginning with a strong introduction Your introduction was not excellent but it hooked me and got me interested. 5 sequencing events or ideas in a purposeful way You did this a lot in your writing and it really improved your price. 5 creating distinct paragraphs You had very distinct paragraphs. 5 ending the writing with a satisfying conclusion The end had a very satisfying conclusion.
Trait #3: Word Choice 5 finding crisp adjectives You managed to find lots of interesting crisp adjectives. 5 using strong verbs I found lots of strong verbs in your piece they really enhanced the story. 5 choosing precise nouns Your nouns were precise and clear. 3 taking risks with unusual words You had some unusual words but you could have had more. 5 confirming that words mean what you think they mean All your words in your story meant what they meant.
Trait #4: Voice 3 acknowledging the audience you’ve selected You did not really acknowledge the audience you selected. I do not think you even selected and audience at all. 5 conveying passion or emotion for the idea You conveyed lots of passion and emotion for the idea of making this story. 1 purposely choosing a genre and style Since this was a story about your life you did not purposely choose a genre. 1 using other points of view You did not use any other points of view. 5 sounds great when read aloud Your story sounded amazing when read aloud.
Trait #5: Sentence Fluency 5 using a variety of sentence beginnings You used a wide variety of sentence beginnings in your piece. 5 using a variety of sentence lengths You used a wide variety of sentence lengths in your piece.
5 using a variety of transitional words You used a wide variety of transitional words in your piece.
5 establishing a rhythm with words and phrases; parallelism; repeating words and themes You used a lot of phrases in your piece.
