Jealous of his adoptive brother and fearful he won’t inherit his father’s fortune, a man gets entangled with mobsters and his adoptive brother must find him before it’s too late. BRIEF SYNOPSIS BROCK (12) is spoiled and likes to raise hell. His single father, CLIFFORD, doesn’t have the heart to discipline him. When Clifford’s best friend dies, Clifford adopts his orphan son, DEREK (12). Derek is the complete opposite of Brock. Brock soon becomes jealous. His father wishes Brock were more like Derek. Now, as young adults, Brock (22) still lives on the wild side, enjoying fast cars and women.
He feels entitled to his father’s money. Derek is responsible and mature. When Brock turns up drunk, embarrassing Clifford, Clifford threatens to give his fortune to Derek. Resentful, Brock steals money from his father and takes off to the US with the stolen money. He teams up with BART and TRIXIE. They plan to go to Las Vegas. However, in the US, Brock and the others gets entangled with mobsters when they are accused of stealing their money. They escape and hitch a ride from EARL, who gets the trio drunk and steal all their money. MICKY, a crime boss, sends his goons after Brock, Trixie, and Bart.
Bart is killed. Brock and Trixie are captured and help in a basement, but escape. Later, Brock is once again caught. Clifford wants Brock found. Derek agrees to track him down, but runs into a corrupt sheriff. STORY COMMENTS THICKER THAN BLOOD is a character driven mobster drama. The opening does a great job of establishing the character of Brock, as a spoiled and troublemaking kid. He has no discipline. A single father, who just doesn’t have the heart to discipline Brock, tries to raise him. When the father adopts another boy, Derek, the family dynamics change.
Brock grows jealous of Derek. Eventually as a young adult, fearing that his father will disinherit him, Brock steals from his father and then becomes entangled with shady mobsters. The first act highlights the idea that the brothers possess contradictory personality traits. The character of Brock is well established as a trouble making kid. He has a great sense of entitlement and is selfish. He expects to easily go through life living off the riches of his father. He has no direction or ambition. His jealousy of Derek is well crafted. The brothers complement each other.
Derek is highly responsible and doesn’t take money for granted. It’s a good setup for personal conflict and tension. The setting, culture, and era feel authentic. It’s an intriguing time in history and gives the story an interesting appeal and hook. The childhood sequences and early adult scenes are engaging. It becomes less clear and engaging after Brock steals the money and becomes entangled with the mobsters. It should be noted that in the opening there’s some wit and humor involving Brock and Mary, but this type of humor fades as the story progresses.
In fact, the story becomes quit violent. There is some ambiguity regarding the true protagonist, but it appears to be Brock’s story to tell. Unfortunately, right now, Brock, isn’t a character the audience fully cares about or roots for. Even with the past accident, he isn’t emotionally connected to the audience. Brock’s goal seems to be to get away from the mob. Try to find ways to make him more relatable to the audience. He can be bad, but he has to have some charm or some redeeming quality that the audience can emotionally identify with.
Think of Warren Beatty’s character in BONNIE AND CLYDE and BUGSY. He played a bad character in both films, but also a very charming character. Currently, Brock becomes pathetic on page 54. Even Trixie wants him to be quite. Brock isn’t a very proactive character. He seems to be a follower. Brock’s internal struggle about Derek is well defined. Derek’s goal is to find his brother. Make sure he’s more proactive. Kevin seems to take the lead. There are some other elements of the script that are worth discussing: The first act contains too many dream/flashbacks.
Enhance the pace. Only one dream or one flashback is needed in the first act to establish the backstory about the accident. Make sure when Brock is first introduced, that he’s describe as having a scar on his face. If understanding correctly, the father mentions his scarred face. Joy’s role seems to fade. Clarify if Trixie and Bart are the bank robbers. Trixie and Bart are established as shady or corrupt characters, as are the mobsters. When the mobsters enter the story, it changes the direction and feels a bit jarring. Suddenly there are a lot of new characters to track.
What’s very confusing is the idea that the mobsters accuse Brock and the others of stealing money from him and either it’s missed (looked several times) or it’s not clear what money he’s talking about. The goons see Trixie and the others in the bar, they exchange words, a brawl break out and they run from the mobster, but how they get accused of stealing from them needs to be clarified. Dick steals the money from Tim and what’s not clearly connected is that he frames Brock and the others for stealing it. Yet, Trixie seems to acknowledge that they had the mob’s money.
So, this part of the storyline needs much more clarification. The dialogue about the bank robbery and whether the mob is involved or Brock is invovled etc. because confusing to follow and repetitive. The idea of Derek being arrested doesn’t feel credible or believable. It comes out of nowhere. Derek and Kevin seem to easily track the trail down (repetitive dialogue page 38) and it all feels a bit too easy to follow the trail. For example, they just happen to find a hobo who saw them. Micky and goons just happen to spot Brock and the others. How the agents know that Trixie and Bart are the robbers isn’t clear.
The dialogue for the most part sounds natural and distinctive to each character. The voices reflect their motivations and the characters’ point of view of life. The father, Clifford, has a nice polished voice that reflects his socio-economic class well. It’s refined. Both Brock and Derek’s voices reflect their individual personality, values, and morals. The dialogue reveals information about their character. Joy’s voice is also congruent to her personality. She’s independent and feisty. It’s awkward when Brock says he wants to run away from home.
This makes him sound like a young kid, but he’s an adult. Trixie seems to be a strong female character, and a leader, but she doesn’t emotionally connect with the audience. One knows little about her and Bart. Micky is presented as a typical gangster. So far he’s one-dimensional. He seems to bark orders, but he’s not a chilling foe. It would benefit the script to introduce him earlier. Make sure to identify the emotional premise or theme. What is the message of the story? The title implies “thicker than blood” which refers normally to family relationships.
Make sure this is conveyed. Typos: On page 7, there’s a missing period after the word Brock. The female bank robber says: “bitch” too many times. Some dialogue isn’t properly formatted: Joy and her mother discuss the robbery and this needs to be formatted on page 21. Brock’s dialogue at the auction (singing) also needs to be formatted correctly (page 25). Consider cutting the crude joke about my name is Dick and you can have it (says it twice). Format the location in the lumbar yard. On page 39, format location when they walk outside and run into Joy.
In summary, the childhood scenes and the transition to the brothers as adults are strong and engaging. The mobster storyline isn’t as engaging only because one doesn’t care about Brock and Derek isn’t a strong enough character. However, one can see merit in one brother coming after the other brother to help him. Focus on the brothers and making them proactive and interesting to watch. Thus, right now, without a strong emotional connection to the goal, the tension feels mild and the audience isn’t invested in the outcome. With more charming and exciting characters, this can easily change.
